Week 3 - Private

My heart is always private- my thoughts my feelings I keep close to my heart... I have learnt to protect, cherish and nurture my heart. It has been through too much ... I can’t let myself give in … last time I did … look at what happened.  I need to get my life back on track again and enjoy what I am doing. 

This heart is my happy memory of my birthday celebrations in NYC. As a twin it is not often I get to do what I want for my birthday and this one was my first and got to do what I wanted when I wanted... and my Tiffany heart was the icing on the frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity. Hopefully it will guide me back to where it belongs... NYC / the states

Week 2 - Possibility

Week 2 - Possibilities - This week I was supposed to be getting more stamps on my passport by heading back to the states for the tour guiding job fair ... but alas money is not my friend... but I am also looking at it this way... I still have work to do on myself... but the possibility of leaving these shores itches at me... chafes and drives me every day ... so this is my possibility my dream my inspiration ..

While I am so sad for not being able to see my wonderful tour director friends… I am hoping next year with more tours coming up this is important to me … and I yearn to be somewhere else… I am the anywhere but here girl..  I don’t fit I don’t belong … my life doesn’t fit here.. 

Week 1 - Music

Photo a week – 45 weekproject … One of the lovely girls that I did my recent photography course cameup with the idea instead of a 52 photo a week project we use all our words fromthe first week. 

So here goes…

Week 1 – Music –lets face it those who know me know that I do not have a musical bone in my body, I don’t even own a instrument and as many will tell you my iPod collection is woeful with NO music cred atall. 

So when I was in San Francisco my wonderful friend stace dragged me out on one of the most entertaining city tours ever; Given I had been sooo sick all week and barely kept the meal from the night before in.... I was a little nervous but she assured me that if I needed a toilet stop they would make it happen; Stupid food poisoning ... Anyways I Digress … as usual… and we stopped at this awesome Italian place in North Beach for lunch because well I was actually hungry …  So Italian it was…  So while the others were enjoying a smoke I wandered to take photos and saw this little shop across the road.

I loved the vintage feel and the beautiful sign. It was so cool and of course I had to take photos.The shop inside was just as cool…  Soenjoy … 

Happy New Year - bring on 2012

My hopes for 2011...  Something went astray!  Maybe the floods didn't help the tourism career...  

In 2011 My hopes for the year…  I am not going to say resolution but rather hopes! I think that is a more positive thought pattern.

1.  Settle into the new job – yes I have a new job. - Settled in and HATE every second..  Love the people hate the job...  

2.  Follow my dream - been chipping away at it slowly 

3.  Be true to myself - been getting slowly back on track..  

4.  Move to Canada or the USA it is time for a new life for me - maybe this year 

This New Years was a quiet one for me … can’t believe I actually got away with it.  I think out of the sheer exhaustion of the previous few weeks. So spent the night watching DVD’s and editing these photos … only to lose them all when Photoshop crashed…  so started all again …

My hopes for this year… more tours…  I love it and enjoy giving back.  Sharing our cities hidden treasures with visiting guests.    Thank you everyone’s support on Facebook during the week. The tour went really well and my guests had an awesome time and so did i.  But just goes to show how much support I get from my family – not one single message of support and the fact they don’t read this either so they won’t know that I am not impressed with them. Makes moving overseas an easier decision…  I will miss the nieces and nephews for sure… so bring on May 1^st...

Left to Right: 

Brisbane Floods – Taken on the Wednesday the night before the peak. 

Just around the corner from my place – the amazing clouds and rays. 

No February photos – all preparation for mammoth garage sales

Heading back stateside… sigh I was so happy to be heading back..  Hate the flight – it is loooong but thank you Qantas for the seat to myself J there and back.

Downtown San Francisco – right near my hotel – walked past this beautiful building every day

Golden Gate Bridge – needs no introduction – awesome afternoon with the beautiful stace

My gals – they keep me sane, tethered to this world and inspired.  Never met anyone as amazing as all of them, Their inner strength keeps me inspired.  I feel so privileged to call them friends. My whole ITMI class were amazing one of the most supportive group of people I have worked with but My gals in Stace, Rach and Katie Kate. They were there for me when I was sick and made sure I ate and stayed healthy.  Also made me laugh and smile when I least felt like it.  Thank you gals and this photo was taken when we stopped to remove the snow chains… someone (yes me the crazy aussie) decided to have a snowball fight and everyone was on the bus laughing and talked the girls into the photo. Thank you for the happy memories. 

Me in the Serra Nevada’s… I love snow… have I said that before…  I love the beauty of it…  the softness, the quietness…  How it feels like as it falls around you… 

Hyde street pier…  My 2^nd last day in San fran… I just wandered and enjoyed. The water was like glass and the sky a beautiful rich blue. So amazing. 

Brisbane Wheel – spending a day with the cousin.

Toowoomba – shortly after I got back from San Francisco I headed up to those hills… 

Mt Glorious and Redcliffe – Were part of a 30 day explore life challenge… I love the sunflare

Winter Sunset – didn’t take a lot of photos – the depression had snuck back in when I realised the reality of my life and had a massive tantrum with the world.

Riverfire – my first date with my sister for the first time in a year.  I had missed her. 

Brisbane Wheel – taken the same night as riverfire – I loved the bright blue

Wickham Terrace – Since I was on the terrace for a specialist appt and had my camera..  so why not.

Lost – the other side of me… read about that one on the previous blog post

Melbourne – my less than willing model – but birthday in Melbourne who is complaining. 

Wedding – One of my school friends got married at the 11^th hour of the 11^th day of the 11^th Month and extra bonus of 2011.  Felt horribly under dressed but it was a beautiful ceremony. Also terribly hot and humid that day but fun to wander around the city.   

Sweet Sixteen – My niece who arrived 2 weeks early back in 1995 was the first grandchild celebrated her 16^th birthday. Lets hope we see some more maturity from her …  she still has a lot of growing to do especially in the way she treats her family. Who when you least expect you will need and if you continue pushing them away the way you are … they won’t be there.  I will stop ranting now. 

Balloon fun – last shoot of my October photography course – I love this shot

Brisbane night time – went out shooting with some of the girls from the photography course and it was amazing and fun night. 

Kurlipa Bridge – went out with the crazy scot from the photography course and we had a great night trying to capture the sunset

Aussie Xmas – yes that is a crocodile in the pool and uncle Rayme helping Finn use the hose which provided a lot of entertainment. 

Moreton Island – private tour for a full day with some guests from Chicago… So much fun

Christmas Decorations – I didn’t put a tree up this year and so I used my parents and that little decoration has been on the tree for a very long time.

 

Christmas  Tree – fitting way to end the year and my mums tree J

So I hope this year will be better – I seem to have better years on the even years for some reason. 

So happy New Year and wishing you a wonderful 2012. 

Evolving

Ok first off I must apologise for the lack of blogging of late…  but don’t worry the rest of the trip ones are still coming…Only 6 days left and I am procrastinating on them because it is a week’s worth of work each blog and I have been busy well getting a life… 

sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot 

Also I have been yet again struggling with a healthy head space and I didn’t want that on the blog… 

But now things are getting closer to closer to the end of the year this little missy is getting busier…

sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot 

But I have to say it has been a busy time in which I have made new friends, pushed myself physically and creatively.  I did the next stage of the online photography course that I did 2 years ago and made some awesome friends with the evolve gals.  It was amazing.  The first week blew me away with the sheer scope of the talent once again assembled in Sheyes Eye Candy Course.

sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot 

Once again given that I don’t consider myself to be a professional, I felt in awe, intimidated by the work, felt like a outsider because everyone seem to know each other from the recent explore courses. But as usual the wonderful sheye and fran welcomed everyone with loving arms through encouragement and inspired us all. 

Week 1 - the original selection since I couldn't find a compass 

So this is my first weeks post…along with all the different photographs from each week  You have to understand where this came from… the sheer outpouring of grief, despair, happiness, insecurity, loneliness, etc that we saw from everyone was outstanding and it blew me away as well as the amazing photographs. 

Week 1 - my passport guiding me to where I need to be ... where I belong overseas! 

But once again the girls were a amazing support network and I have had the amazing pleasure of meeting some of them and a certain crazy scot many a time…  She and I kindered spirits in our loves of all things chocolate, twilight, night time photography, travel and many more…  So thank you my wonderful girls you may never know the impact that you had on my life so I can’t thank you enough… 

Sunflare was a big topic...  This one is from the columbia Icefields 

So Week 1… THE POST 

(the other side of you - the side that the real world doesn't see) 

I want to apologise for how long this is but it was too hard to edit… One of my friends from explore told me to brave and publish all of it… so this is me being brave..

Me being brave and travelling the world..  Bow lake - Rockies 

Right now I see my life like the compass on the ocean shore… in need of direction. Also I am able to see the other perspective … it is carefree never staying one place too long – also able to guide me to where I want to go and hopefully guide me back to happiness. 

Week 1 - Compass...  guiding me back hopefully 

So many words have been flowing through me and reading everyone’s words and thoughts it has made for an interesting week … with words like unsettled, restlessness, and finally lost all being part of the thought pattern. 

Favourite images...  Peyto Lake 

Here I am a week out from my 37^th birthday and there is one word for my life right now is lost   I feel like I am stuck, at a cross roads, not wanting to be here but I want to be where I was a year ago… NYC and travelling, happy and finding me again.  While I feel selfish sharing this given what everyone has and is going through… but the public Eileen is very very different to the private and I rarely show this Eileen and that is the task….

Mt Glorious - Sunflare 

My life right now:

Unsettled

Lost

Unfulfilled

Unloved

Alone

And many more words come to mind… 

Another Favourite - Washington Depot Autumn Colours 

For the last 2 years everything has been building up … the loss of love, the blackness, the loneliness, feeling lost and not wanting to be here; let alone alive… but it is time to try and make some decisions…  I know I can’t have kids so that is not on the cards for me, or marriage in which I gave up on those dreams long time ago...… I hate my job…   so what else can I do, if work is all I have…  where do I move forward from here …I doubt myself at every turn, feel in awe of other peoples work … feel like my photography doesn’t even compete… but I love it too much to give it away…    

Sunflare fav 

There are times I feel that I have forgotten what it feels to be valued and loved by someone…  To wrap their arms around me and tell me that I worthy of them and valued by them.  But given my current lost feeling it is simply not fair to bring someone in my life … not knowing where I will be in 12 months let alone 6 months. 

My models in Melbourne :) thanks guys 

I have always felt like I was destined for a different life but never known how to reach it…  I thought I did earlier this year.   I feel so lost because the dreams I have had have all been killed by redundancy, natural disasters and small issues of working visas. So how do I shake this and believe in myself along have the confidence to go forward… but I need to soothe the itchy feet to feel more settled and I belong somewhere… 

I love this photo ..  

As someone said to me very eloquently through my depression tears not too long ago… You have to fix you before you get your dream which is within your reach…  but my question to the universe how do I that… how do I discard years of self-loathing, self-doubt…  loss of confidence in my own decision making.  It is a question that goes unanswered … but I need to start the process of repairing me just not sure how…

A old sunflare favourite... Cayden in 2009

Week 2

We had to use our word from the first week and make a connection with a real life human being…  Having absolutely no time that week along with being in Melbourne for the birthday and work I had to get creative. 

Edited - Week 2 - Lost 

SOOC - no editing 

Week 3 – was just editing … but here are my results… 

I tend to go dark with my editing...
but it is always challenging editing someone's work

Scattered through this blog post are the different images I used during the 4 weeks of the course... 

Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Week 4 -   The Signature image – which was supposed to highlight how we photograph most of the time…  

Week 4 - Signature Image 

so I put the call out to some of my friends…  they came back with landscapes, colours, and sun…  so this is my fav image…

Small bit of editing 

  and it was one of those days when everything was on a tight schedule with 2 day early submission. 

Black and white and colours.. :) 

So with balloons exploding, too much wind, change of location, needing to edit and get home and changed showered out the door for a dinner.  This is what I ended up with…   

Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Week 4 - Balloon Fun

Day 41 - Top of the Rock

Headed towards Top of the Rock and got my entry ticket … little did I know it would take so long.  I got the 5 pm entry … but be warned it can take up to 1-2 hours to get up there because they only allow a certain amount of people on the viewing decks at any one time. While you can stay up there as long as you want there are only so many people that they allow.

So I wandered around Rockefeller centre with a stop at the ice skating rink along with a couple of shops since I had a hour to kill.  Along with J Crew and Anthropologie which I just loved… just wasn’t skinny enough.  

But I do love how the shop assistants look you up and down and deem you not good enough to shop in your store. Yes I know I look like a dag but I was a branded dag at least… sheesh not impressed… 

It was exhausting waiting that long with everyone pushing and shoving trying to get into the elevators first…  Somer Certain other nationalities are just rude!  Just saying!  They feel they are entitled or something! 

But made it up there eventually… busting for a toilet and glad not to be squashed in … and just in time for the sunset… 

So annoyed that I only got the last few seconds also annoyed this is the only day that I took my tripod out. My backpack was heavy so I was trying to be responsible.

But the sunset that I saw was simply amazing…  But I wish people who didn’t know how to take photos with a DSLR would offer to take them.  I had a guy who had a canon and my photo still came blurry even though I told him to wait for the beep and the green square on the screen. 

I prefer to self-portrait thank you very much.  I think I spent over an hour up there it was so much fun and watching the city change as it got darker.  I just used the wall to stabilise and the auto feature with no flash to take the photos and they turned out ok.

Good thing about the top of the rock is the lack of mobile reception … no messages … but I knew what time I had to be down by and that was the important thing.  But it was nice to have a break from it for a hour or so. 

I highly recommend the Top of the rock but allow at least 2- 4 hours if you are going up during the day or sunset. But after 9pm the line is not as bad. 

I made my way back down around 8pm because I think I had been up there since 5ish so my feet were starting to feel tired and I was looking forward to dinner.  

So I headed to the subway and got on the wrong one… soooo annoyed because I ended up at 110^th because I caught the B or A train when I need the C or D…  someone was getting impatient for me to get home…  But he was coming back into the city with his car so luckily he got stuck in traffic. 

But finally made it home … quick second change and handbag and ready for my date… just wish I had time for a shower oh well later.  He had arrived with a perfect park right outside my front door but we just walked down to Amsterdam avenue and headed to bella luna which was lovely and yummy. 

Only drawback about him… the smoking… ewww and the aggression or as he puts it determination.  It is hard to handle but overall a nice guy but it is what it is … holiday fun…. 

He headed back to the burbs because he likes to see the sky and grass under his toes… either that to the girlfriend or wife that he claimed he didn’t have! 

So I headed off to bed but felt like I wasted the day a bit because of the shopping and then spending so long at Top of the rock… but overall great day.  I had a busy busy day the following day so I headed to bed feeling exhausted but glad I had my first real official date in over a year.

While it was good to date again, I still don’t feel I am ready for a relationship but man I had fun. I laughed, smiled and got kissed…  which to me is the perfect ingredients… 

While I don’t think he reads this but thanks gorgeous…I really enjoyed our date and it still to do this day makes me smile… 

While I don’t think we would have ended up together… we would have fun finding it out.. While I shouldn’t probably be revealing as much this …  but I did promise myself complete honesty in this blog…so thank you mr… for being you and not sacrificing who you are …  

One of the most brash, honest, upfront people I have met with a heart of gold under that tough black exterior.  Hopefully we will catch up again on the weekend…