Week 16 | Choice

This was written before the decision was made about the green card ...  But alas it is not my time ... but my heart still screams go. 

In a matter of weeks, I am hoping, praying that I will have a choice to make. To stay or go to the states to live.  My fate is in the USA governments hands…  While it may seems like this is a easy decision…  I have to be conscious of some major cons.  Their health system, and the fact I still have debt to pay here along with the Economic condition of the country.   But I will not leave these shores until I have a contract at least for the season.  Then I will decide where to go… 

Another Favourite from the Past year 

Also over the past year I have built up a small network of wonderfully supportive friends.  I would not made it through the past few years without these people in my life.  It will be hard to leave them.  So thank you my Evolve gals whose words has created the challenge.  You came into my life at the perfect time J but are making the Choice to go a whole lot harder. 

New Farm Park - Winter Sunset 

Week 15 | Marriage

This is a photo of my Nana and Pop who I never knew.  My nana was married for about 30 years before she lost her beloved.  They were married in 1932 in Melbourne.  The dress is amazing and something I would consider that I would wear if I made it down a aisle. 

She never remarried when she lost him in the 60’s and I remember asking my mum why she never remarried and she said my nana married her soul mate.  Her beloved aggie was her life and love.  They had 3 children and my mum was the youngest.  They had a fairly idyllic childhood growing up close to family and the extended family.  My dad always called nana mum because she was that kind of person.

Their marriage is something I think I will always aspire too if I ever go down that path.  I am at the age now where I don’t think I would.  He would have to be a pretty exceptional person for me to consider that.  I think my wanderlust is simply too great and I would need someone to balance that out. Not many people in this world are like that.  Also I don’t think I am strong enough still for that.  Break a heart too badly and it may never repair. 

My parents’ marriage is strong and solid and they love each other so much gives me something to aspire too and are heading towards their diamond wedding anniversary.  They have done it hard with dad away for most of the early years along with a large family. My dad has had the pleasure of walking down the aisle my older sister has been married for almost 10 years, the next oldest has been married for 12 years.  With most of us unmarried but either single or in long term relationships with kids, I am definitely the odd one out in my family but I am ok with that. 

I have always felt that I don’t fit … the black sheep but there was a time when I dreamed and hoped that I would marry.  First with my first true love C, my best friend and the person that really knows me.  He is no longer in my life but for the past four years since he stopped all contact I miss him and that friendship.  

More recently 3 years ago the one that I thought wow this is the one.  I hadn’t really felt that since C.  I had made up mind that he was the one, he was the last man that I would be with, and the man that I thought would love me and support me through everything.  But it was not to be…  I have never really talked about this and won’t.  But love and Ego can’t exist together.  

So my marriage will be to travel and to myself… my next love the new adventures that await, the mountaintops I get to breathe the pure air in and feel alive again.  My marriage to myself where I will promise to love, cherish and honour...  I will work hard to love myself, to cherish myself and honour my values.  

Week 14 | Haven |

I would have to say that my haven is my bed is my haven… my books iPhone and ipad all live there.  I love my little hiding place from the world.  To escape from real life for brief moments in time.. To get lost in a story and find your little piece of paradise in someone elses words      

This is the image that inspired it all taken by my wonderful friend S from Sunday Gorgeous ...  the amazing talented works of sunday gorgeous http://sundaygorgeous.blogspot.com.au and http://sundaygorgeous.com.au/

I love the sunlight and Lily just being Lily ...  perfection

Week 13 | Relax

There has not been a lot of that lately … even struggling been sleeping again which is frustrating me. 

But when I do relax it is getting lost in a movie or a great book or go for a drive… jump in the car and disappear from the world for a while and go see by the ocean for a while. 

Mt Glorious 

Where I did truly relax was overseas and become me again. On top of a mountain and in the beautiful surrounds of fall colours is where I truly take a deep breath in.  

Fall colours 

Week 12 | Mother |

My mum … where do I start – born in the 1940s the youngest of 3 – nana was the middle somewhere of 13 … I am the youngest of 6 with a twin who is 30 mins younger. 

My mum hasn't had it easy … born with a facial lump she was subjected to many a controversial treatment to find out exactly what it was or how to remove it. It has never been successful.  But the over the years it has reduced in size.  But I think it helped to create the person she is today.  I just accepted mum for what she is .. and when anyone made a snide remark I would give it to them. 

I was named after both Mum and Dads Mums....
Nana was Dolly Eileen and  dads mum died long before me was Eileen 

When she was 12 she was trampled by a horse which broke every bone in her body.  She raised us almost single handed with my dad away a lot because of the army.  With most of their early married years in Vietnam serving our country with popping kids out about every 18 months. The family moved 3 times before we arrived in Brisbane in 1979. 

with one of her beloved grandkids 

Mum and dad loved here … the warm weather in contrast with Melbourne’s cold weather.  Especially with mums mouth it was less achy.  So we settled here – she raised us sent us to catholic school in order to instill the same values that she grew up with. 

Mum and Dads Ruby Anniversary a couple of years ago...
Married on remembrance day 40 years  ago 

I have inherited my mums pale skin… my dad’s curly hair and sweet tooth.  My mums creative talent not a scratch came to me, she can knit, sew, spin wool, create and me nothing…I struggle to sew buttons on … but I did get my dad’s passion for adventure and travel. 

Mum with the first grandson...  I love his face in this one 

While she will never understand why I want to move overseas, yet she won’t fly due to a inner ear issue to understand why I love overseas so much.  I will love her always while she doesn't always support my decisions.

While I have made my peace with the fact that I will probably never have kids or get married.  She hasn’t …  god love you for that mum. She still hasn’t given up hope on that particular wish.

So thank you for being my mum. 

Special Thanks to my sister Acct Photography - because the 2 photos are hers because mum doesn't like to be photographed.  

Week 11 | Dark

I have struggled with this word … mainly because of the connotations of what it can represent.  It has taken me weeks to write this post to the point where I am officially behind now by 2 weeks - so please accept my apologies.  

Dark can represent so many things…  Dark as in night time, dark as in lost, dark as in mood, dark as in music, dark as in personality.

For me it represents a couple of things from my favourite type of photography.  Night time photography is definitely a love but I don’t get to do it a lot.  But also, Dark as in my favourite type of clothes, the most slimming, dark as in my mood for a long time.

Home - from New Farm cliffs 

I feel like I am finally emerging from this dark period.  Those of you who have been paying attention on facebook would know that things have been well busy as.  No time for play.  But finally settled into a new job, been doing some tours and actually making money from them which is a huge bonus which helped me catch up on the unpaid bills while unemployed and the new ipad.    

The other possible home  - Canada - Niagara Falls by night 

I love being a tour director and it is my passion, my love, my drive.  I am also enjoying my new full time (real) job which has surprised me they are pushing me in a way I haven’t done for years.  I am loving it – it is definitely requiring some out of the box thinking on my behalf but I think I am living up to expectations which is great. 

The other possible home  - Canada - Niagara Falls by night 

So it will be balance between the real job and the fantasy job.  I love being a tour director but there just is not enough work here in Brisvegas to keep me sustained.  But I am making some good connections.

The other possible home  - Canada - Niagara Falls by night 

I am finally coming out of the period of darkness thanks to some medicinal help – yes I finally gave into it. But I needed sleep seriously a lot of sleep so it has been great to sleep through the night again. But the past 2 weeks not so great I think because I am worrying about money, life, work and general again.  So I am just working on switching that off. 

Southbank - Brisbane - Christmas time 

I am on the homeward stretch towards finding about on green card … On Monday it will be officially a month to go.  So I need to know that I can cope by myself without support in another country. So I am working on getting myself from the dark light to the happy sunshine again. It has been a long time since I have been there and want to again. 

Brisvegas - Home 

I have had a lot thrown at me in recent years and I have had to deal with it by myself.  At times it has absolutely crippled me because of the weight of despair and unable to crawl back.  Having limited family support and close friends – someone to open up to and be there for me.  To know when I am sinking again but those people have come from a number of different places in the past year where I least expected it. 

Brisbane - from Kangaroo Point Cliff Base 

 I have turned a corner in the way I look at things while there are still some things I am still not ready for like dating and falling in love again.  I am still not sure I will be strong enough.  My mindset was he was my last great love he was the “one” but it was not meant to be.  So I think my mindset is that if he can give up so easily on me then I will just get hurt again.  Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to go back there to him but I think he just did me in.  It all got too hard and I have learnt to only rely on myself. 

Hello another home - NYC - Top of the Rock 

They know who they are so thank you my wonderful girls, and my wonderful friends that were made this time last year in San Francisco.  I honestly do not know where I would be without you – honestly and truly you are my rocks, my tethers my support system my cheer squad.  It is surprising how quickly they have all become that and been there when I least expected it.  They helped pull me out of the dark and build my inner strength back up to the fact I am smiling and happy again. 

Hello another home - NYC - Brooklyn Bridge looking to Manhattan 

The ache for missing the USA family is not as acute because of the tablets which have helped me focus on what I needed to do here to pull myself back. But I keep on reminding myself to stay positive and be back with them by the end of the yearJ. So positive thoughts into the universe that the lottery goes in my favour.

Hello another home - NYC - Top of the Rock 

I am working out again consistently 2-3 times a week … with my old boxing partner and it is funny how we know each other’s rhythms and strengths without even speaking.  We are both pushing ourselves – I am boxing as hard as I did before I hurt my shoulders and got sick.  So thank you M x you rock!  In so many ways I appreciate it. 

Brisbane from Kangaroo Point Cliffs 

So dark is something I will always battle with … but the depths will depend on me and hopefully won’t ever go back there again.  I am so very grateful for the love and support that I have seen from my wonderful new friends in the past 6 months.  

Riverfire - Sept 2010  we like to blow up bridges in the name of fireworks 

You have pushed me to look at life differently, pushed me creatively and been there for me especially during the course when all wanted to do was give up because I felt like I wasn't worthy.  So dark go away and don’t come back J

Kangaroo Point Cliffs 

Week 10 | Freedom

This one comes at perfect timing… I have just spent the past few weeks enjoying the freedom that comes with not working…  Trying new jobs out …  now if I can just get some money rolling in. 

The other side of the pacific - with stacy in my jkt because she was cold 

This photo wasn’t actually taken by me … but it was set up by me and that is crazy me on the right. It was week 3 of my trip and it was a perfect day. Recovering from our hangovers from the night before. (some more than others) and I wanted to put my feet in the other side of the pacific. While the Americans thought it was nuts given that it was like 10 degrees … this aussie thought it was very normal. 

Ocean Beach 

The freedom is from being back in the states and being the other side of me.  The freedom of opening myself up to a new career away from society considers to be normal.

At the cliff House 

The freedom of being on the road and getting to set my schedule along with truly loving what I am doing.  While I am still trying to make it happen call it stubborn because things have definitely not gone to plan. While I am still at odds if doing ITMI was the best idea for my redundancy but the friends I made were worth EVERY single dollar.  The lack of support and follow up has really disappointed me given the investment I made. 

Because Stacy was missing her horse so much
she had to ride the horse inspired driftwood

But I am glad I have preserved with it and making great contacts.  I love it and really enjoying the experiences I have had showing my guests my city.