A Small Rant... if you will

Break a heart badly enough and it might never recover…  

(Dawson’s creek)

As I go I am going to share some of my fav. photos since I started this blog 2 years ago...  

I want to set the record straight because quite frankly I am a bit over the whole judgmental  “Oh you are single at your age”… comments and looks I am sick of getting… NOTHING wrong with being single…  I see so many of my friends bitching and moaning about husbands and kids on FB and to me … and well this is why … 

 I have had my heart broken in many ways in the past few years … some more memorable than others….  Whether it has been by a male, or friends, jobs etc, you get the idea. 

New Farm Park on winters afternoon and I was wearing flip flops 

 This weekend I have had a weekend of mourning the loss of a ultimate career goal for me…  While I am sure there is a very good reason but still … it has me going what did I do wrong...  What did I say wrong… the self-doubts I have worked so very hard to push to the back have resurfaced.  I wanted this to happen so badly and it really pushed me outside my comfort zones… which I will write about soon. 

Columbia Icefields - Alberta Canada 

 But I want to clarify about my single status… sure there are times when I have really missed having someone in my life.  But my life is full and I have worked so very hard to keep myself busy doing things I enjoy. 

Niagara Falls night show 

 I have not been fortunate to meet that special someone…  YET! I thought I did...  3 years ago almost 4 years I really thought I had.  I have never spoken publicly about what happened.  I kept my feelings buried for a long time… and there was an interesting counselling session last year where it all came out. 

Top of the Rock - NYC - right before our date :) 

 But I am going to say my piece right now…  and I hope it explains a lot …  how can someone who claimed to love to me so completely one minute to completely turn on me and not love me or talk to me again.  This is one thing I never understood… especially to be dating one month after the break up.  He went from being my everything … to nothing…  How do you deal with such loss?  I told him not to get involved with me and not to break my heart … and he wouldn't listen…then  He walked away without so much as a backward glance and digging his heel into my shattered heart and grinding into fine sand as he went. 

Only photo I really love .. I got really good at the selfies whilst travelling 

You are weak, you have an ego that makes you think you are better than the rest of us and is seriously damaging your psyche and you need to pull that seriously big stick out of your butt!!!!!  You are wound tighter than an elastic band about portraying the right image, making sure you look good… you know what?  People don’t care… they are so caught up in their own lives they don’t care about how your girlfriend talks, walks, looks… get over yourself!!!!!!!!   I really learnt a valuable lesson in that relationship…  Listen to your reservations; walk away when you have just too many questions.  I will never let myself get so destroyed again. 

Lost from last year - it is hard to believe it has been a year since the most wonderful girls have entered by life

 I have dated since sure…  I have enjoyed it but I listened to myself and realised it wasn't going to go anywhere.  Oh and for the record he was hot and black and Jamaican with the sexiest voice known to man! 

Noho - right where we met .. :) 

 Career wise…  I am fed up jumping from job to job… especially after what happened 2 years ago… While I am glad to be away from the bitching and the backstabbing (yes missy I know all about what you say about me behind my back – give it up I don’t talk about you and really seriously GET OVER it, It has been 2 years…) to be failed by someone who claimed to be an astute businessman, how did you lose touch so badly with the business?  And still do to this day …  

Brisbane - how I love thee

 I want to do my chosen career more often… it makes me really happy!!! And I love it and while yes it is hard in these economic time but I am sick of being overlooked because I look too young etc etc.. 

Sunflare happiness

 In terms of friends… through everything I have battled through I have done it pretty much alone…  I miss some them sure especially one of them … they know who they are … and probably will never read this… but still I have my memories like an interesting afternoon in the Nerang River near natural bridge … went past the other day and man it made me smile.  I have forgotten about that afternoon until last Tuesday and they have been on my mind ever since.  Wondering how their married life is treating them…  I hope they are well and every happiness in the world …they were my best friend for well over 20 years … they are the one person who truly knows me …  I miss having them there … 

Balloon fun 

 But once when someone who kept on breaking my heart the many times that he did …  said to me … “you are stronger than you know”…  I don’t know how I have made it through some pretty dark days… but I did …  I am stronger than I realise and if the last few months haven’t taught me that nothing will.  Too much physical pain will do that to a gal.

Balloon Fun 

 So in conclusion to my little rant…  “Only exceptional guys need apply”… My friends always look at me funny when they tell they have the perfect guy for me … and I reply with “is he exceptional?” ….  And Canadian! 

my favourite image ...  Peyto lake Alberta Canada 

Visitors from Across The Pond

I have had a very special arrival this week.  To say that this has brought me alive again would be a understatement.  After a REALLY trying week REALLY trying week she arrived with her beautiful personality and dazzling smile. You can follow her journey here: http://www.intangiblegoods.blogspot.com.au/

Christina is happy to be here as I am happy to have her here

 Now who is this visitor you may ask … Well this is the amazing, brave, courageous incomparable Christina.  Who was the tour director on my eastern cities and helped me change my life… in becoming a tour director and has been there on the sidelines loving and supporting me. 

 I have blogged about her here: http://girlythirties.blogspot.com.au/2011/05/day-32-washington-to-philadelphia-and.html

http://girlythirties.blogspot.com.au/2011/05/day-31-holocaust-museum-in-washington.html

these were the most memorable

 But I digest…  those who know me I haven’t shared my living space in 3 years and haven’t officially lived in a share house since June 2004 that is a long time.  We are working well living together and it is great to have her here.  She also gets to join in the birthday celebrations tomorrow night and then on the actual birthday on Tuesday. Also it is great having a wonderful WILLING photographic model here ...  

I know I still need to do a update on what has been happening over the past year.  But life has been well hectic …  new friends, new interests and new jobs …  So I have to say I have gone from this 

Lost taken this week last year

to this…  

Balloon Happiness

Happy days…  Well that is the spin I am putting on it and I am sticking to that one…  

Product Review: 3 Annies Camera Bag

This is a first time I felt that is necessary to review a product but since this is a blog about my photography as much as my life journeys; my new bag is worth a special mention and I am strong believer in helping out new businesses who manufacture quality products and influence my everyday life.

The Marketer in me loves the branding

You can find 3 Annies here https://www.facebook.com/3annies

From the iPhone - Close up of the branding

Little bit of background on the owner – she is a photographer and couldn’t find a bag that she loved here in Australia. While there are bags on the market there aren’t really any inexpensive Australian options. Margo is based on the Tweed Coast and has produced an amazing bag. 

the dust bag that it arrived in - HAND Made - Unheard of these days 

The branding that has gone into the bag is fantastic from the amazing handmade dust cover to the stickers and charm that comes attached to the bag.  The only thing that could be improved it adding the logo to the bag in some form or whether it is on the charm that comes with the bag. 

Not only was the ordering process really simple … just sent her an email with delivery information and just paid through PayPal. I went with black because let’s face it I would never trust myself with aqua but the aqua is stunning.   

The Pockets with the Contrast stitching

I ordered at lunch time on Tuesday and it was waiting for me when I got to work on the Wednesday. It has a special introductory price of $199 but that is only until the current stock runs out and then it will be going up to $249. This is still cheaper than purchasing the USA comparable products when you factor in conversion rates and postage. Let’s face we don’t want to have to wait 10 to 14 days for instant gratification.

The Super strong stitching

I have been amazed by the fantastic work that has gone to the design and the creation of the bag. The black is divine and I love the smell of the leather. I have been searching for a long time for the perfect camera bag. The stitching is amazing and the pockets are everywhere. The inners are a masterpiece in how easy they are to use and how practical they are. With the adjustable Velcro it makes too easy to move for the different lenses and for when I get a larger camera body.

Another big big plus is the inner it helps to keep all my stuff that I use on a daily basis under control in the bag because they are mini holders. It fits very comfortably my 3 lens, 50mm 1.8, 15-80mm and 70-200mm plus the camera body, plus my camera cards in the little side pockets with my wallet fitting perfecting into the holder in the inner.

I was able to finally test drive it on the weekend and I walked around town with my camera and 2 lenses, ipad, wallet, and extras I used both the bag handles and the shoulder strap and both were really comfy. I really struggle with bags because of my back and shoulders but it was super comfy and easy to move around with. It will be great for the days that I am tour directing to. I am so pleased with the purchase. The extra side pockets are perfect for the iPhone and anything that I need quickly. I also was able to put my water bottle laid down on the top.

All the evolve photography girls have been ecstatic with their bags as well. So a big Thank you to the wonderful girls at 3 Annies for their masterpiece. Also it was great to buy the bag in Australia and makes my home smell like leather which I love! Audrey Lu and I are going to be great friends!

Love … So check out their Facebook page and send Margo a email and she will have a bag for you. The dimensions and technical are all in the pictures on the Facebook page.

From the front with the Charm and Branding :)

Week 18 | Laughter

This week I clearing out some of my back up files and what did I find – the photos from my trip and a day filled with so much laughter and new found friendships. 

I think when you battle with yourself like I have now for what feels like a long time you forget how important to laugh it is every day.  

This is a photo of my wonderful friend Jules … A couple of weeks before I left I caught up with Jules and we had a great afternoon and was one of the few times I had laughed in a long time. We always do.... Full of great food and laughter she is one of those people that can be serious as well as completely irreverent. 

It is so true that laughter is the best medicine. I feel like up until 2 years ago I forgot what it was like to truly laugh, drink and dare I say it …but to live again accept the trip for what it is. It was a rare sound for me until a fateful night in Kelowna.  While Pete will underestimate what that night meant to me but that is the night that I truly learnt to laugh again and become me again. 

People underestimate how important it is to laugh and I think I had forgotten. So appreciate the small things… happy laughter, a childs giggle, a quiet smile as it turns to a laughter.   

Week 17 | Yin

Proud to introduce my Yin to my Yang.  My wonderful twin sister and most people when they meet us together don’t even realise we are even sisters let alone twins. 

My twin - My Yin

She is a unique personality, very strong person and dynamic person.  She is a great mum to 3 kids with teenagers.  She is a big believer to wine o’clock especially on a Friday night and loves to entertain which is the opposite of me. 

About 4 weeks after we were born but the day Din Came home

We are very different and I think she chafes at her life and wishes she has mine at times.  But we have always been like that – competitive and always trying to outdo each other. 

3 years - Mum always told us we couldn't swing on there | so been the twins we were...  

She sometimes comes across very cold and unemotional along with at times is not the true twin.  She tends to keep everything locked inside and puts on a very together public face and tells people what she thinks they want to hear. She rarely lets that slip but sometimes she just needs too.  While I definitely got the emotional side of the twins but I am a very different person to her. 

First Day of Year 1

But I love her and will miss her when I am living overseas. 

At 15 years old 

In 2007 | Since I had no one to do the combo with at the family shoot - twinny it was

This is my fav shot ever of her...  it is very her

Week 16 | Choice

This was written before the decision was made about the green card ...  But alas it is not my time ... but my heart still screams go. 

In a matter of weeks, I am hoping, praying that I will have a choice to make. To stay or go to the states to live.  My fate is in the USA governments hands…  While it may seems like this is a easy decision…  I have to be conscious of some major cons.  Their health system, and the fact I still have debt to pay here along with the Economic condition of the country.   But I will not leave these shores until I have a contract at least for the season.  Then I will decide where to go… 

Another Favourite from the Past year 

Also over the past year I have built up a small network of wonderfully supportive friends.  I would not made it through the past few years without these people in my life.  It will be hard to leave them.  So thank you my Evolve gals whose words has created the challenge.  You came into my life at the perfect time J but are making the Choice to go a whole lot harder. 

New Farm Park - Winter Sunset 

Week 15 | Marriage

This is a photo of my Nana and Pop who I never knew.  My nana was married for about 30 years before she lost her beloved.  They were married in 1932 in Melbourne.  The dress is amazing and something I would consider that I would wear if I made it down a aisle. 

She never remarried when she lost him in the 60’s and I remember asking my mum why she never remarried and she said my nana married her soul mate.  Her beloved aggie was her life and love.  They had 3 children and my mum was the youngest.  They had a fairly idyllic childhood growing up close to family and the extended family.  My dad always called nana mum because she was that kind of person.

Their marriage is something I think I will always aspire too if I ever go down that path.  I am at the age now where I don’t think I would.  He would have to be a pretty exceptional person for me to consider that.  I think my wanderlust is simply too great and I would need someone to balance that out. Not many people in this world are like that.  Also I don’t think I am strong enough still for that.  Break a heart too badly and it may never repair. 

My parents’ marriage is strong and solid and they love each other so much gives me something to aspire too and are heading towards their diamond wedding anniversary.  They have done it hard with dad away for most of the early years along with a large family. My dad has had the pleasure of walking down the aisle my older sister has been married for almost 10 years, the next oldest has been married for 12 years.  With most of us unmarried but either single or in long term relationships with kids, I am definitely the odd one out in my family but I am ok with that. 

I have always felt that I don’t fit … the black sheep but there was a time when I dreamed and hoped that I would marry.  First with my first true love C, my best friend and the person that really knows me.  He is no longer in my life but for the past four years since he stopped all contact I miss him and that friendship.  

More recently 3 years ago the one that I thought wow this is the one.  I hadn’t really felt that since C.  I had made up mind that he was the one, he was the last man that I would be with, and the man that I thought would love me and support me through everything.  But it was not to be…  I have never really talked about this and won’t.  But love and Ego can’t exist together.  

So my marriage will be to travel and to myself… my next love the new adventures that await, the mountaintops I get to breathe the pure air in and feel alive again.  My marriage to myself where I will promise to love, cherish and honour...  I will work hard to love myself, to cherish myself and honour my values.