Ok first
off I must apologise for the lack of blogging of late… but don’t worry the rest of the trip ones are
still coming…Only 6 days left and I am procrastinating on them because it is a week’s
worth of work each blog and I have been busy well getting a life…
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| sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot |
Also I have
been yet again struggling with a healthy head space and I didn’t want that on
the blog…
But now
things are getting closer to closer to the end of the year this little missy is
getting busier…
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| sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot |
But I have
to say it has been a busy time in which I have made new friends, pushed myself
physically and creatively. I did the
next stage of the online photography course that I did 2 years ago and made some
awesome friends with the evolve gals. It
was amazing. The first week blew me away
with the sheer scope of the talent once again assembled in Sheyes Eye Candy
Course.
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| sunset shots on the way home from the week 1 shoot |
Once again
given that I don’t consider myself to be a professional, I felt in awe, intimidated
by the work, felt like a outsider because everyone seem to know each other from
the recent explore courses. But as usual the wonderful sheye and fran welcomed
everyone with loving arms through encouragement and inspired us all.
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| Week 1 - the original selection since I couldn't find a compass |
So this is
my first weeks post…along with all the different photographs from each week You have to understand where this came from…
the sheer outpouring of grief, despair, happiness, insecurity, loneliness, etc
that we saw from everyone was outstanding and it blew me away as well as the
amazing photographs.
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| Week 1 - my passport guiding me to where I need to be ... where I belong overseas! |
But once
again the girls were a amazing support network and I have had the amazing
pleasure of meeting some of them and a certain crazy scot many a time… She and I kindered spirits in our loves of
all things chocolate, twilight, night time photography, travel and many
more… So thank you my wonderful girls
you may never know the impact that you had on my life so I can’t thank you
enough…
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| Sunflare was a big topic... This one is from the columbia Icefields |
So Week
1… THE POST
(the other side of you - the side that the real world doesn't see)
I want to
apologise for how long this is but it was too hard to edit… One of my friends
from explore told me to brave and publish all of it… so this is me being
brave..
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| Me being brave and travelling the world.. Bow lake - Rockies |
Right now I
see my life like the compass on the ocean shore… in need of direction. Also
I am able to see the other perspective … it is carefree never staying one place
too long – also able to guide me to where I want to go and hopefully guide me
back to happiness.
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| Week 1 - Compass... guiding me back hopefully |
So many
words have been flowing through me and reading everyone’s words and thoughts it
has made for an interesting week … with words like unsettled, restlessness, and
finally lost all being part of the thought pattern.
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| Favourite images... Peyto Lake |
Here I am a
week out from my 37th birthday and there is one word for my life
right now is lost I feel like I am
stuck, at a cross roads, not wanting to be here but I want to be where I was a
year ago… NYC and travelling, happy and finding me again. While I feel selfish sharing this given what
everyone has and is going through… but the public Eileen is very very different
to the private and I rarely show this Eileen and that is the task….
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| Mt Glorious - Sunflare |
My life
right now:
Unsettled
Lost
Unfulfilled
Unloved
Alone
And many
more words come to mind…
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| Another Favourite - Washington Depot Autumn Colours |
For the
last 2 years everything has been building up … the loss of love, the blackness,
the loneliness, feeling lost and not wanting to be here; let alone alive… but
it is time to try and make some decisions…
I know I can’t have kids so that is not on the cards for me, or marriage
in which I gave up on those dreams long time ago...… I hate my job… so what else can I do, if work is all I
have… where do I move forward from here
…I doubt myself at every turn, feel in awe of other peoples work … feel like my
photography doesn’t even compete… but I love it too much to give it away…
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| Sunflare fav |
There are
times I feel that I have forgotten what it feels to be valued and loved by
someone… To wrap their arms around me
and tell me that I worthy of them and valued by them. But given my current lost feeling it is
simply not fair to bring someone in my life … not knowing where I will be in 12
months let alone 6 months.
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| My models in Melbourne :) thanks guys |
I have
always felt like I was destined for a different life but never known how to
reach it… I thought I did earlier this
year. I feel so lost because the dreams I have had
have all been killed by redundancy, natural disasters and small issues of
working visas. So how do I shake this and believe in myself along have the
confidence to go forward… but I need to soothe the itchy feet to feel more
settled and I belong somewhere…
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| I love this photo .. |
As someone said
to me very eloquently through my depression tears not too long ago… You have to
fix you before you get your dream which is within your reach… but my question to the universe how do I
that… how do I discard years of self-loathing, self-doubt… loss of confidence in my own decision
making. It is a question that goes
unanswered … but I need to start the process of repairing me just not sure how…
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| A old sunflare favourite... Cayden in 2009 |
Week 2
We had to
use our word from the first week and make a connection with a real life human
being… Having absolutely no time that
week along with being in Melbourne for the birthday and work I had to get
creative.
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| Edited - Week 2 - Lost |
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| SOOC - no editing |
Week 3 –
was just editing … but here are my results…
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| I tend to go dark with my editing... but it is always challenging editing someone's work |
Scattered
through this blog post are the different images I used during the 4 weeks of the
course...
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| Week 4 - Balloon Fun |
Week 4
- The Signature image – which was
supposed to highlight how we photograph most of the time…
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| Week 4 - Signature Image |
so I put the call out to some of my
friends… they came back with landscapes,
colours, and sun… so this is my fav
image…
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| Small bit of editing |
and it was one of those days when
everything was on a tight schedule with 2 day early submission.
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| Black and white and colours.. :) |
So with
balloons exploding, too much wind, change of location, needing to edit and get
home and changed showered out the door for a dinner. This is what I ended up with…
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| Week 4 - Balloon Fun |
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| Week 4 - Balloon Fun |
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| Week 4 - Balloon Fun |
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| Week 4 - Balloon Fun |
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| Week 4 - Balloon Fun |
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| Week 4 - Balloon Fun |
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| Week 4 - Balloon Fun |
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| Week 4 - Balloon Fun |
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| Week 4 - Balloon Fun |
